lonely

again. I have this ability of pushing people away from me. it’s a natural talent, I’d say. With everything I do or I say, I make the distance between us become even bigger.

The last few days, I have tried to forget, but conscience won’t let me. I made a mistake, will it follow forever? I am worthless, shameful, worried. Will it haunt me?

A few years ago, I would have resorted to something else..worse. Perhaps making me disappear from the surface of the planet. I have to admit, I still have thoughts because everything I do is useless. If I do something positive, it’s not appreciated, it’s not even seen. Let me be the evil one, the black sheep. I reached the conclusion (again and again) that my value is 0 and I don’t deserve anything. That’s why I shouldn’t ask for anything or wish for anything. (or anybody)

And yet, I feel so lonely. The track I’m listening to matches perfectly with this moody-sad atmosphere over here. I wish I could describe but as I said, I don’t do anything well. Some years ago, I would have found myself listening to depressing music (death, needles, suicide, stuff like that) Now I need a song to help my tears move along my cheek. I will go back to writing songs, this is the mood that encourages me to write. I have various subjects: memories haunting me from the past, uncertain things about the future, hesitation…

It’s gonna be a long night